shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
