Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
