So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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