I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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