I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
