yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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