i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
