So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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