all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
