How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
