you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
