I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
