She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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