I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
