Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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