I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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