She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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