my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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