I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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