I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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