Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
