Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
