It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
