Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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