Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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