I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
