Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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