I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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