I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
