I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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