You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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