Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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