Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
