I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
