If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
