i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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