Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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