giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
