Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Congratulations! We have a period
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