im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
