I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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