I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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