If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
