is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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