Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
how can u be prego again
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
