Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
