i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
