I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
