oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
