We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
